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I stood on a beach. Dogs galumphed and trotted, wagging tails and lolling tongues. Blissfully enjoying the freedom of an off leash frolic with their human companions.
Not so long ago, this scene would have had me in a state of fear. Near panic and disbelief would have overcome me, and I would not have stepped foot on that beach.
I existed in a fearful Stage of Being for nearly 30 years. The source of this fear was a black Labrador pup named Vada. My earliest memory haunting me, this black dog looming over me. But I married a dog person. Who decided the time had come, and Mr Pooey Doddy Jet Houdini Englebert Sprocket Donkey came to live with us. This rescue bitzer was a good dog. My rational brain knew this. But there was no telling my fearful being. I was angry, so very angry.
In this stage, you will experience heart rate rising and physical reactions. You will be wary, anxious and angry.
Your flight/fight/freeze response will be activated because your fear tells you that you are facing a threat. At its extreme, your fear will be experienced as hate.
Hate strips us of our humanity and eliminates the ability to show empathy.
Feelings of contempt and disgust have us instinctively recoil and avoiding the source of our fear.
I enlisted the help of a very dear friend - my dog doula. She owned a terrifying (to me) dobberman-rottweiler cross, who was a pets as therapy dog. My Advance Care Directive stated that if I were in a place where Pets as Therapy were visiting, it would be best to stay away from me. Rationally I knew this was sad, I was missing something everyone else seemed to find wonderful. But it was too much.
But, I was cohabiting with a dog. I needed to know how to be an Alpha. And it was my dog-doula that showed me how. I learned how to feed Sprocket, and instruct him. I learned why he behaved as he did, and why it was important to be the alpha.
A shift occurred. I did not enjoy living with a dog. But I could Tolerate it. I could manage it. AND I was not fearful of our dog, or other dogs. At this point, the dog was still 'pixilated' in my mind. I could not look directly at the dog, and where ever the dog was, my vision was blurred. My heart was still closed to him, even though I tolerated him. There were no-dog zones in my yard, which he obeyed.
To be tolerant is to choose a non-aggressive, though still avoidant approach to the source of our fear. In this stage we no longer fear (that is we no longer have a physical reaction), but we still do not compromise. In this stage we will not seek to be with the source, our anger is abated, but we will not go out of our way to help or accommodate the source. Empathy appears in this stage, as a niggle rather than an overwhelming feeling. An awareness of the source is awakened, which is no longer objectified.
Time passed. A LOT of time. I lived in the tolerance zone for many years. An 'understanding' existed between me and the dog. The other family members 'protected' me from having to interact. I knew how. But chose not to interact.
Then another shift occurred. My heart opened a little. I observed the love for 'fur babies' others experienced, and could see the dogs not only relied on, but welcomed human interaction. This shift took me into Acceptance. My heart was opening, and the pixilation was gone. I could see the dog. Mr Pooey Doddy Jett Houdini Englebert Sprocket Donkey was, after 10 years co-habitation, not merely tolerated but a part of my life.
It was around this time, that another dog-loving friend invited me to support her in her birth. This great honour is not something one accepts lightly anytime, but for this particular invite my primary role was to support her fur-babies. BIG ASK. I agreed to meet her fur-babies to see how it might go, and something extraordinary began. With my open heart of acceptance, I greeting these delightful creatures. I petted the black dog. So like the one from my childhood. And felt only calm. Peace. No threat. and I shifted again. This time it was a huge leap. This was the Stage of Undersatnding.
This joyous stage sees mutual recognition. Differences are agreed and no judgement passes. We can see the other point of view, we can live side by side in harmony. Sharing our differences to enrich society, a sense of peace and wellness settles over us. No longer living in an anxious state, on alert or ready to defend. We can see we have more to learn, and seek to fill our knowledge gaps.
My journey is not quite over, but standing on that beach, among the frolicking dogs, I can see I am close. The next stage is Celebration.
This Journey, of nearly 40 years, has shown me that overcoming fear is far more intricate than 'get over it' or self-talk to motivate you past it. You can't go from fear directly to celebration. To shift through the stages takes time, support and empathy.
My dog loving friends NEVER belittled my fear. They NEVER shamed me or laughed at me. What they did do was love me. And SHOW me. My knowledge gaps were filled, and this aided my heart to open. They held me. And never pushed. Now that I have found understanding, I can look back and see clearly how restrictive my response to this fear was. It robbed me of an opportunity to experience life fully.
To shift away from fear, one must first acknowledge the fear and commit to moving away from it. This means being able to identify the fear and who can support you. This is a person with knowledge, who can empathetically support your journey. From tolerance, growth can happen. Dwelling in fear is not healthy, and can be destructive. Justifying fear prevents others from moving away from fear. Social Media can cause fears to fester, if you find yourself in an echo chamber of justification and validation of fear-based attitudes (such as racism, sexism or other extremist behaviours) it can be very hard to see beyond fear.
When it comes to birth, fears and beliefs play a huge role in our decision making. Autonomy in childbirth assumes we are fearless, but our society approaches birthing from Fear and Tolerance, at best there is an Acceptance (though usually of a less than satisfying experience). Women are cultured to either fear, tolerate or accept the state of birthing and mothering, as an oppressive and unpleasant experience. Those women who have experienced a Celebration of childbirth and mothering are often ridiculed or belittled.
Understanding the Five Stages of Being helps you to make an active decision:
Which Stage of Being are you in now?
Which stage would you like to be in?
How can you get there?