June 2020

Control, Communication
​and Caring

The wonderful Sally Cusack from PBB Media interviewed me about 'Beyond The Birth',  section three of The Birth Map.  We talked about postpartum preparations, it is quite a lot to consider.  And it will be different for everyone.  From Matrescence, to safe co-sleeping and freezer food...and how this preparation is an extension of birth preparation.  

I had a lovely Live chat with Lauretta Hamilton from Calmbirth, over instagram, which resulted in this blog post.  In checking that out I discovered this EXTREME birth story (it's a funny dad-perspective).  The Partner involvement in birth preparation seems to be a key factor, for all involved. We know that outcomes are improved for women when well supported, especially by a familiar person - and ideally the partner.  We see the benefit this has on the relationship and mental well being of both parents.  It also helps the care provider, knowing that a calm and prepared support person is with woman, brings a reassurance.  It helps keep the birthing space conducive to straightforward birth.  As oxytocin floods the space, and a new human emerges.  It's a win for everyone.  No One has to give up power for women to gain it.  No one has to lose for someone to win.  It is not a competition.  It is an event.  An important, life changing event.  It can be a positive experience, even when it is not straightforward.  At the core of it all, is communication. (hold this thought...more on this further below)
Read the Respectful Maternity Care Charter.

With this in mind, I want to share with you a great clip about
The Seven Healthy Habits
By Stephen Covey.  This can be applied to everyone in any context.  It is beautiful!  See also the image below, from the book 'Seven Healthy Habits for Kids' by Sean Covey.  This video covers the foundation habits: the first three habits (you can click through to the next parts at the end of the video, which take you into the relationships habits: remember that thought your holding...take it there!).

The context I'd like to point out here is BIRTH PREPARATION! 
Habit One: Is about responding, rather than reacting.  Pause: what can you control.  What do you need to understand. TAKE CHARGE!  This is your birth, your way, no matter what.
Habit Two is essentially: HAVE A MAP!
Habit three gets our priorities in order.  Often birth preparation ends up in quadrant four: the trivial or distracting, rather than the elements we need to manage and focus on.  Often this is because it actually take more effort to be in quadrant 1 and 2...

These first three habits are your foundation.  

Following on from this, Habit Four (in the video that follows the one above): Everyone can win.  This seems to be an area where many struggle - particularly on (anti)social media where it can be easy to forget that we are interacting with a person.  

I am suspect you have heard of J K Rowling, and the twitter controversy.  She wrote this blog post, to explain her position.  It is quite interesting.  What was particularly disturbing about this twitter controversy, was that people were commenting randomly on threads that children were using to share their The Ikabog pictures.  This was, I guess, an attempt to keep the issue at the forefront, but many comments were angry, rude, violent and disrespectful (to the children, to women, to JK).  There is an acronym, as old as social media, that seems to go unheeded when hotheaded:

I really struggle with the lack of kindness, some time ago I explored this by reading things like 'The Life of I'.  I learned words like 'gaslighting' and 'narcissistic', 'grey rocking' and 'ghosting'.  Peopling is hard, but when we take the humanity away, we seem to forget the people completely.  We see this in violent altercations, racisim sits in this place of dehumanisation.  I think fear is at the core of this mindset.  And we often fear that which we do not understand.
I explored fear through my own experience of becoming free of cynophobia through The Five Stages of Being.  As I wrote this blog, I could see this road to freedom could be applied to racisim too.  But as this is not my story to tell, or my area of expertise, I did not write my post in that light.  The 'Stages of Being' seems to be something I made up, but it made sense.  It explained the way I needed to progress, and I could not skip a stage...even if it was brief, it was still experienced.  I lived in fear for nearly 40 years. In that stage I could not see the possibilities, could not understand my  prejudiced was within me, not within that which I feared.  

It takes work.  Consciousness.  Awareness, Reflection.   
Many wish for the end, without the journey, the journey matters.  For this is learning.  This is how we can become a mentor.  When we have the privilege of already being 'at the end', without the journey, we assume that there is nothing but 'the end'...that perhaps it is the same for all, and those not with us are somehow at fault.  Or we are more deserving?  entitled? 
The disparity in our education is a clear example of this.  This is a neoliberal society, it has been a long time since humans were egalitarian.  When we left our egalitarian ways behind (as we became agricultural, and then industrial, and now technological) we also lost our memory (I recommend reading The Memory Code)...calls to destroy history will further destroy our humanity, our ability to remember - and make better choices.  History is already written by the victors, to lose what little we have to remind us of our potential (for good and bad) would leave us adrift. 

NEW RESEARCH
I am very excited about this new research...it slingshots my own research miles ahead!  It is so awesome when the synergies happen (Healthy Habit 6).  Great things happen is this space, not competitive, it is cooperative, collaborative, community focused.  And in this case: power to the people! It sings my song!  LOVE IT!
what are women's experiences of decision-making and choice about their pregnancy and-birth care?

Making decisions is far more complex than we think.  I hear far too many women saying "I wasn't allowed".  And they accept this.  Because The Authority id powerful.  And the premise of consent is to say yes.  The Authority states their recommended action (which may not actually be your best or only choice) and we understand that we are expected to agree.  Sometimes this is our best option...but not always.  When we have time and space to understand our options, in the context of Ourselves, we can make an Informed Decision. 

Being Informed to Consent is very different to being informed AND having the option to consent OR refuse.

and as promised: the seven habits as presented in the seven habits for kids by Sean Covey (just think MAP, instead of plan...as the video above says, and I just have to agree)